Before I begin, let me extend my thanks to you for being willing to listen. Not a lot of people care to hear about the things bothering you. Thanks for being an ear, and I'll try not to drone on too long.

First of all, my inability to find full time work is really bothering me. There is the constant reminder of bills that are due at the end of the month, and concern about how I'm going to meet my debts. I have family that is willing to help financially because they see me striving to support myself.
The time of year is at least partially to blame for the lack of great positions. But constantly hearing or reading how the company you sought has decided "to make an offer to another candidate" damages your self-esteem a little bit; it makes you wonder "what's wrong with me."
What's worse is that I know I'm terrible at interviewing. My friend Phil shares my problem of being a great employee but a terrible interviewee. I can't sell myself very well. I never learned how to do it. The best I can muster is to answer questions, and even then nerves usually limit my responses. I would improve, except that I cannot get tangible comments about my presentation from my interviewers (which would, over time, reduce my nerves).

The second thing that is bothering me has to do with my friendliness. This recent autumn I took another Korean language class at Portland Community College. My professor also happened to be a pastor at a local K-church. He invited all of us to come very early in the year. So I did. The church had hosted some international students from Korea who were here to learn English. However it was only a three-month program. Well, I decided to use my strengths in English and in teaching to tutor these students. In the process we became good friends.
Well, the New Year came and they had to go home. Now, it is very possible that I will not see these people again in person, perhaps only once or twice. Whenever a good friend leaves it is difficult. But that's not the end of it. Next month, another friend, Sung, goes home to Korea. He has been here nine years and I consider him one of my best friends. THAT's going to be difficult. Finally, later in the springtime, my father, whom has lived all his life in Portland, is going to move down to Nevada for the rest of it. The arid climate will help ease a career's worth of body aches (he's a longshoreman, btw).
That's a lot of people I won't get to see very often, and so it hurts. I've been trying to wrap my mind around the concept of so many people leaving for some time now. It isn't easy. As a tangible reflection of my feelings on this matter, I decided to cut my hair. It is now between ¼ inch and an inch long.

The final thing bothering me indirectly relates to the first. For most of my life I have been single. There have been a couple of times that I have dated, but single has been the norm. And I hate it. Damn, I hate it. There have been several women that I have found myself attracted to, most of whom would be mere names to you. But in each case something has stopped me:

In elementary school - about fifth grade - a girl named Julie. She lived in the same neighborhood and even came over a few times. She was a very gentle soul, very mature for her youth. I still remember that MacGuyver was her favorite television show. In this case it was my own fear of rejection that prevented me from displaying my feelings toward her. We ended up falling out of contact.

In junior high - sixth grade specifically - a girl named Danica caught my eye. Very artistic, and an original thinker. Man she was great. But, again, my fear, coupled with my low status on the social totem pole. Of course, I should have expected it. I was going to a school in which I knew NO ONE previously, I was scrawny, I had glasses, and acne, and aversion toward sports. I was choice game for anyone looking to bully an “inferior.” As a result I kept to myself and didn’t strike up great friendships with anyone. My grades sank and I felt pretty much worthless. In retrospect, that probably made things worse. I had lost all my self-esteem. If you think girls have it bad: well, rather than just one bully I had about six regular bullies. None of ‘em hung around together, either. Guys get it much worse. Anyway, all of this prevented me from letting her know until the very end of the school year: the last day of school in fact. I knew I wasn't coming back to that school - I was going to a private school the following year - and again didn't take it anywhere.

From seventh grade through high school, I went to the same private Christian school, where I encountered the same issues as I had at the public school. And again I was the low man on the totem pole. Recognizing my status, I kept disconnected from most people. There were quite a few girls I had crushes on, but for the aforementioned reason, never made known my feelings. Doubt it would have mattered anyway. There were a lot of rumors circulating that I was gay. And a lot of small minds there bought into them.
Perhaps the only love I had there came in my junior and senior years. Her name was Tabitha. She was very socially aloof, but very sweet. If you can picture, she was a lot like Lydia (Winona Ryder) from the movie "Beetlejuice." I felt like I could communicate my feelings, but there was still the fear of rejection. It wasn't until I went to her birthday party in the summer between 11th and 12th grade, that I discovered she had a boyfriend. So, I kept my mouth shut.

In college, at Warner, I was no longer the low man on the totem pole. Hell, there wasn't even a totem pole anymore. I started recovering self-esteem little by little and actually found some friends here. Unfortunately my life was usually in transit. I commuted and had very little time to hang around campus for those friends. Worse, I commuted by bus and was often at the mercy of the bus schedule. This pretty much negated staying late on campus. My first two girlfriends came during my college years. But with the first, Laura, we began dating too soon and she turned out very different than I thought she would be. I dated the second, Becky, because she was attracted to me and I was just plain lonely. Yeah, that doesn't work. Just so you know. It didn't last long. I learned from it though, and gently turned down another girl, Kristy Jo, a while later.
I was a part of the school's multicultural student association for a few years. During that time I befriended closely and grew to love a Mexican-American (hapa) girl named Madai. She's one of my MySpace friends now. But, for most of the time she had boyfriends and seemed to change them a lot. That more than anything is what stopped me from pursuing anything there. I wanted to be "it", not just another number in line.

After graduation, I promised myself that I would never let fear stop me. And it hasn't for the most part. But there are a number of other things. What often happens now is this:
I'll become attracted to a girl only to find out she has a boyfriend already. It's happened a couple of times both at my church home community, and even at anime club with both Erica and Myra. When I asked her to come with me to the Porcupine Tree concert, I had more intention than just a friendly date. Now I regard both as just friends.
At the other anime club, PSU's, I found myself attracted a girl named Daryn. When she'd been willing to spend some time with me, I thought I was making an impression. But then she quit communicating for a long time and everything came to a head when I learned that she was bisexual and leaning toward women - well, specifically to her best friend that lived in Tacoma. You can't imagine how terrible THAT felt... I was unable to cope and ceased all contact with her. I regret it. (SEE why Sonata Arctica is my favorite band? Hint: their song ‘Shamandalie’)

The whole point of this is that I feel trapped in my situation and it depresses me. This indirectly relates to the first paragraph in that I don't know how to sell myself, my great qualities. And I have plenty: humor, loyalty, and skill with domestic tasks, intelligence, creativity, and financial savvy.

Most men have one unique talent or skill that separates them from everyone else. They keep a sense of pride out of this fact: a sense of legitimate competition with our male brethren. I have no such talents to speak of. In high school I spent most of my time dealing with my depression via apathy, instead of seeking to develop such talents like I should have been.
It wouldn't bother me so much, except that at my age the focus is on starting a career path rather than developing one's own talents and personality. Furthermore, it has been scientifically determined that it is much more difficult for adults to learn new skills and talents (especially languages) than it is for adolescents or children. So I find myself engaged in an uphill battle that honestly requires more energy than I possess.
Also, I did not see myself jobless or still living at my mother's house at twenty-five. I expected myself to be along the path to a career, providing my own food and shelter. I can't help but look upon myself with a little shame. And can't help but regard my peers that can with a little jealousy, and regard those in the same situation with a great deal of sympathy.

So, regarding myself as inferior to other men in these manners, I see a lot of issues - especially ridiculous jealousy and unfounded paranoia- springing up regarding this situation should I ever find myself in a relationship. It is totally a self-esteem issue, but also I have learned a thing or two from watching my younger brother.
Though different personalities, we share a situation in that things aren't going well for us financially or in the job hunt. He has a special talent - fixing cars - which I don't. And he has also had a couple of girlfriends in the past few years. His trend is this: he develops an attraction to women whose self-esteem is insanely low for who they are. Then, he gives them emotional and mental support. Then, they dump him. They have given him a myriad of reasons, but the truth is this: they want someone better. He gets used. Fucking used. So you might be thinking, "okay; so how does that relate to you?" Each of these girls I could easily see myself dating. We are attracted to similar qualities in women.
Also, I remember a small nugget of wisdom that my friend Erica gave me. It might be fool's wisdom but I've taken it to heart nonetheless: 85% of women out there are pure evil: extremely selfish and almost parasitic.
What's even worse is that coupled with all of these things, my ability to correctly interpret when a woman finds me attractive is flat out horrible. I mean we're talking middle-of-the-ocean-in-a-rowboat-with-no-oars.
It took Becky three weeks to finally get it through my thick skull that she liked me. It isn't that I don't see it; it's just that I don't believe it for the many reasons I have explained. And most girls really don’t feel comfortable flat-out stating their feelings. So by the time I realize anything, they’ve long since given up hope.

The mere fact that I am jobless with little money temporarily sabotages hope of a strong and lasting relationship. That I can accept.
The rest of it: my low self-esteem, my horrible fortunes, my inability to sell my great qualities and to recognize when a woman finds me attractive - makes me regard this topic with a pervasive and destructive sense of doom.

Yet, I still want a relationship. I don't want to be alone. And it isn't due to media influence either. Most of the music I listen to discusses topics other than romantic love. I don't watch a lot of erotic (vs. philia, agape, or storge) television: you could hardly call House M.D., Lost, Ghost Hunters, Major League Baseball, or the Animal Planet network built around eros.

Needing this so badly yet being unable to attain it, while would probably drive a person of lesser fortitude to suicide, sifts down to mild depression for me. I don't know what's worse: that I can't shake the desire or that I'm so used to the situation that it barely triggers an emotional response anymore.

Since this has been really long, I'll recap. The things depressing me are:
1) Inability to find employment - and very little money
2) So many goodbyes for which I have to prepare myself
3) The pervasive sense of doom accompanying eros

Not sure what to do. I fear I've created a pit for myself that I'll never climb out. I probably would have committed suicide already if it weren't for my spirituality. I get the sense that dark spiritual forces are trying to bring me to ruin. I can see the potential for greatness within myself and I have a feeling those dark forces don't want me to reach it. So, at times, my entire existence has been just a giant "fuck you" to those dark forces. I'm not about to quit now. I'm too stubborn for that. Blame it on the Irish part of my heritage.

So, yeah, now you know what goes on in my head much of the time, and how I see myself.